thinking
Perhaps that's the wrong turn of phrase actually. Hmmm.
I finally broke down and bought a test today. Those things are harder than they seem. I think it's a conspiracy to make you buy another one, because failure is almost inevitable the first time around. Hold in urine stream, upside down and backwards, for a few seconds, but no more than five? Hmmm.
I'm so relieved, in so many ways. It's been awful trying to figure out what I'd do if worse came to worse. I couldn't live with myself if I terminated a baby that had developed beyond amoeba stage. And if I did decide to have it, would I stay here? My parents would never forgive me. I'd be poor as well, so so poor. Would Richard postpone his phd to take care of me? At least I'd have free health care. As appealing as it would be to move home and have momma's help, I'd have no health care... Yeah, this is the shit that's been going round and round in my head for the past week or so.
That, and the business. I've come up with this idea that would involve going into business with my little sister. My dad's convinced that the only way to make it in today's world is to own your own business, and he's even suggested that he'd help us start one if shown the right proposal. We batted around a few ideas, not very seriously. All were totally undoable and expensive and risky. But while chatting online with sis the other night, I actually came up with a brilliant plan. Really original, really cheap, and potentially really successful. I was also getting really excited about the prospect.
Only thing is, I'd have to move back home.
Normally, I would just put it to the back of my mind. But I haven't been able to. I couldn't fall asleep the other night because I was too busy working out the logistics of the grand new family business. (And I'm refraining from telling you all about it because I don't want someone else stealing my brilliant plan.) I can seriously see myself doing this, and being committed to making it work. And with my current job losing its appeal daily, and my other career prospects looking increasingly dismal, it's hard not to get excited about such a change.
I feel pulled in two entirely different directions. And each direction appeals to a different part of me. I've often felt like I lead dual lives, and now it seems especially true. I can see both lives so clearly ahead of me, and am having real difficulty choosing. Kind of like the proverbial paths encountered by Robert Frost. Or something.
It's a bit worrying, this difficulty in choosing. Surely it should be clear cut? Surely I should be able to resist the path that leads back home. But it's not. What do I have here? An unsatisfactory career, a temporary home, a handful of friends, an adopted country that is sometimes hard to love.. Richard is basically the one thing keeping me here. And what does he have to offer? Security? No. Commitment? Nope. Money? Nada. Just love. And as much as I'd like to think that's enough to live on, I'm beginning to seriously doubt it. As we've learned, his unfailing devotion is not even enough to ease my loneliness, dismiss my insecurities and stop my tears. It's made things difficult not only for me, but for him as well, as he feels powerless to help me through this really difficult time. And guilty for putting me in the situation in the first place, as he's well aware that he is the sole reason I put up with all this shit. I can barely put up with it now, and it hasn't even been a year yet. How in the world will I be able to cope for at least three more?
On the other hand, could I handle not having him around? He's like an extra appendage. He's part of me. We speak to each other at least once a day. Although we do live pretty far apart already, I can't imagine completely cutting him off from my life and moving thousands of miles away.
And moving home is not ideal, either. I would have to start from scratch - again. I would undoubtably have to live at home, for at least a few months, probably more. I could not stand that. I wouldn't be able to afford my own place, never mind my own car, which is an absolute necessity in the States. My freedom - which has been one of my primary motivators in my forays abroad -would be totally taken away from me.
But there is the prospect of this completely new career, one I could mould myself and work towards. I've been really short of goals at the moment. Even my tiny goal of finding a new job and moving back to Glasgow has failed miserably. As for long-term... well, I feel like I've placed myself in a sort of limbo. One controlled by Richard, not myself. My goal to settle - into a place, a home, and a career - is all dependent on where he decides to go in three years time. My goal to maybe get married and start a family likewise rests with him. I've completely lost control over my own life. And what guarentees are there that the limbo will be over in three years? It could take him a lot longer to sort himself out. What do I do in the meantime? And what if it all goes pear-shaped between us in the interim? Would I feel I had wasted all this time when I could have been taking advantage of this opportunity?
Surely, from an outsider's point of view, this is totally unhealthy. If I were assessing myself as a stranger, I'd be shaking and shouting and telling myself to move on, get yourself sorted, don't wait around for anyone else to make your decisions for you! You're not getting any younger, chica. Secure your own future.
There have been so many times when I've been tempted to push things to the edge, to present Richard with an ultimatum and force him to make a critical decision. But that's not fair is it? It's selfish too, and what would it realistically achieve? If I tell him I'm going back to America, he can stay - giving me up - or come - giving up his career commitment. Would I be able to live with either option?
The scariest thing of all is he seems to sense something like this is coming. He doesn't seem surprised when I slip in these little possibilities. Like when I told him about my business plan, his initial reaction wasn't "But that would mean you're leaving me." No. Instead, he helped flesh it out even more; he even seemed to be encouraging me.
I'm not mad at him. Okay, I am, a little bit. I want him to want to fight for me, to beg me to stay. But I know he only wants what's best for me, what will make me happy. I just wish I knew what that was.
The other thing is, I know myself much too well. Well enough to know that this grand business scheme of mine is probably just another fun fantasy, and that when it comes down to it, I won't have the guts to see it through to the end. I think I'm excited enough to make it work now, but that could very well fade. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm not good at seeing things through. I'm not good at fighting for what I want. I'm not aggressive enough. It's my big downfall. So the business might not work anyway, and is probably not worth the risk. But what if?
This is what happens when you spend too much time alone. I don;t recommend it.
