stop
Maybe it's the unsociable hours I've been keeping, and the way my life revolves around work and sleep. I feel like the world is passing me by, and that I accomplish nothing with my days. And work itself can be quite depressing. And annoying. Last night I couldn't shake a woman I have really come to hte. She does not shut up, and has nothing interesting to say. It's all complaints and stupid stories I don't have the patience to hear.
Maybe it's my family. I'm enjoying the time I spend with them less and less. And I feel like an outsider more and more. It's my own fault, probably. I'm the one that left, and they just learned to get on fine without me. But maybe I never really got on with them at all. I've been trying to escape for as long as I can remember. There's probably a reason for that. It sounds so awful to say, but this is how I've been feeling lately. Yesterday didn't help. My mother has been encouraging me to develop some sort of regular sleep pattern, and suggested something along the lines of staying up till 11am, sleeping till 7pm. So yesterday I actually managed to stay up till 11am... only to be woken up by my mom at 4pm, insisting I leave the house because she was having company over for dinner. She slipped me a twenty dollar bill and thad my sister take me out for dinner with Sabrina. ARGH!
Maybe it's Richard. I haven't been missing him as much as I thought I would be. I do miss lots of things about him, and about what we have together, but there's no painful ache or anything now that we're separated. It might just be the fact that I'm in a completely different environment, with lots of distractions, or the fact that we've been separated before, with me living up in Bumblefuck. But still, I feel like I should be more upset than I am. I dunno.
He also reacted badly when I told him Sabrina has insisted she tag along for the wedding. He was already upset that Sandy is coming. I don't exactly blame him, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? She's my sister, and there's already tension enough about this whole escapade... I can't completely cut off my family. Sabrina just wants to come along for the ride, as she hasn't been on a proper holiday in years, and has never left U.S. soil. It might even be a good thing, as the two of them will keep each other occupied and it would mean Sandy would have to stay in a hotel, instead of on our floor. They'd also spend some of the time in London, so less time grating on Richard's already frayed nerves. When I told him, however - online no less - he freaked out. Said something like "It's going to be difficult enough as it is, we don't need the two of them there to make it worse. We'll have to talk about this later, on the phone." Oh, sorry if this is so trying for you! Glad to see you're looking forward to this glorious day. For fucksake! It really pissed me off. His attitude to the whole thing has bothered me from the beginning. He's dreading it, plain and simple. And I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy any of it. I should be happy, surely, if only because I'm allowed to stay in the country and be with him. Instead, I find myself walking on eggshells with him and my family all the time, and even when friends and strangers congratulate me when they find out, I wince and tell them it's not really like that. It's not a happy occasion.
When I was in the shower, I got to thinking (as one does in the shower) that maybe it's not all worth it after all, that maybe I should start heeding all the stop signs Fate's been throwing up in front of me at every turn. But what else would I do?
See? Sadness ensues. It doesn't help that I've got no one here to talk to. And now it's time to drag myself back to the factory, to work alongside young welfare mothers with four children and pervy old men with no education. It should make me more appreciative of what I have, but instead it just depresses me. I think I'll bring my walkman tonight. Maybe then I'll manage to block out everything.
