resignation

And I'm crazy and stupid and....ack!!! The full ramifications of what I am doing is starting to really sink in. And it's not a good thing.

I've been online nearly every spare second trying to sort out visa and work permit issues and things are not looking promising. At all. In fact, I'm becoming increasingly certain that I will be back in the States by the end of the year. Ack!

My conversation with the parents didn't help either. Mom was actually not as bad as I expected. She didn't yell at me and say "ARE YOU STUPID? LEAVING ONE JOB BEFORE YOU HAVE ANOTHER TO GO TO???" But no. She didn't question that bit at all. She knows how miserable I am up here. Instead, she questioned the feasibility of part two of the plan: Glasgow.

My father, however, was not so sympathetic. He phoned later to deliver his verdict. Perhaps I should say here that my dad never discusses things, he never really shares his opinions. So when he does do so, and when he actually initiates the call, you know it's serious. He said I should just come directly home. Why postpone the inevitable and waste all my money in the process? I'm going to have to start over again, why make it more difficult on myself? There will be expenses when I get home - a car, interview clothes. Um. Yeah. Thanks dad. No consideration at all for why I would be crazy enough to even attempt such stupidity, why I've put up with the misery for this long. Instead: "It's about time you got on with your life and what's important."

Argh!

It wouldn't be quite so bad if I didn't believe some of that myself. The conversation made me really depressed, got me thinking negative thoughts about what was awaiting my return home. I even started to rethink my decision to quit - I thought my misery here might not be half as bad as my misery there.

But then when I got to work today I was reminded again why I'm so desperate to leave. So, after another shit day full of shit assignments, I summoned the strength to pick up the phone and call my editor. And I quit.

Yup. The deed is done.

When it was all over, my stomach was in a knot. I felt like perhaps I had made a huge mistake. I'm so scared. Then she phoned back and said they'd be informing immigration immediately and wanted to know who my new employer is, and I had to admit that I have no new employer, that I'm going to Glasgow with nothing sorted... it was a scary reminder. I drove home in terror, wondering what the hell I've done, and knowing there's no going back now. Not that I really want to go back. I HATE it there. But still... scary!

Ack! Help!