fucknut
Richard insisted I talk to Sandy and ask her nicely not to come to the wedding. Nicely. As if that's possible. I warned him that it could be the end of any semblance of a future relationship between the two of them, that she would hate him forever, and possibly me too. I begged him to consider the fact that although he might have a few uncomfortable days to deal with, I might have a few unbearable months...
The morning was spent cursing myself and wondering what the hell I was going to do, when relief came from an unexpected place. My mother. She made some off hand comment, "So, Sandy's really going to Scotland then?" sounding a bit dubious and surprised, and I seized the opportunity to tell her that actually, I wasn't so sure I wanted her there. I explained that Richard wasn't too keen either, and noted the enormous expense and how that made me uncomfortable as well. My mother agreed, shockingly enough, although I think the main impetus was the expense bit. She's been managing my sister's finances for years now, and knows quite well that she can't afford such a trip. Then she did something amazing - she offered to tell Sandy herself. The two of them would be spending the day together making gift baskets as a favour to a friend, and it would provide the perfect opportunity to mention it. It would also give Sandy an entire day to vent about it away from me. Wow.
I couldn't exactly pass that up, could I? The wimp within cried out with joy at the prospect of having the dirty deed taken from me.
In retrospect, I should have waited until talking to Richard one more time, taking one last shot at convincing him to make a concession and just let her be there. I'm sure I could have convinced him eventually. But I don't necessarily want her there either, and I definitely don't want her spending her life savings doing so. I'd be stressed trying to entertain her and soothe Richard, and tense at any potentially sour exchange and... yuck...nightmare.
So I waited anxiously all day, wondering how things were going. I slept a good 8.5 hours, then woke up and went to check my email when the phone rang. It was my mother. Before the whole debacle, I had been hoping to spend the night with Sandy, hanging out, as it was my first night off, but I had given up on that idea. My mom told me Sandy said I could come round and hang out if I wanted. She said she had told her, and that she was 'a bit pissed off.' A bit? She urged me to remain calm with her, and left it at that.
Sure. I could do calm. Sure.
I showered and dressed, and drove over to her apartment with dread. It was a good sign that she was willing to see me so soon after the chat with my mother, I thought hopefully. But deep down I knew it would not end well. And how right I was!
She was furious. As soon as I walked in, she said 'Actually you probably shouldn't have come over tonight.' I plopped down on the couch anyway and braced myself. It was awful. My mother obviously hadn't gone with the financial tact; she had definitely made clear that it was Richard's suggestion, marking him as Sandy's new enemy number one.
She completely went off on him for being so selfish and controlling, and on me for being such a pushover. I just sat there and took it for awhile before bursting out in tears. I was in a horrid situation. First of all, I was finding it very difficult to defend Richard. Second of all, I kind of agreed with some of what she said. But god forbid I admit to any of this, because she would pounce, using it as fuel to fan her impassioned fire to burn Richard. She begged me to be honest with her, but I couldn't. My loyalties were so torn. On one hand, I wanted to confide in her about some of my doubts and fears. On the other, I wanted to protect Richard and myself. So I spent most of the time sobbing silently, ruing the entire fucked up situation. Why can't we be a normal couple, without all these crazy outside pressures? Why why why!
I was there for more than two hours. It was completely emotionally draining, and I returned home with a major headache and even more doubts. Was it all worth it? Maybe she had a point when she said, if he's not willing to commit now, when will he ever be? Surely if you're certain you want to be with a person for the rest of your life, you should be willing to commit, no matter how young you are, especially when it's crucial to whether you remain together at all. Right? Then again, I know Richard, and I know how tormented he is by the whole thing. I know this is a huge commitment already, and that at his age and stage in life, he just doesn't feel ready to do anything more. And I keep thinking about what I was going through at his age, and I understand. But all this doesn't help relieve my fears that I'm making a huge mistake, that I'm being terribly naive and stupid and will regret it for years.
I came home terribly conflicted, and wished I had someone to talk to. Everyone close to me is biased, or too far away. I went online and talked to a string of strangers, hoping for an objective opinion, but that's not really possible in this situation is it? In the end, I woke Richard up at 6.30am, all teary and ridiculous. He wasn't much consolation. Then again, what can he do to make me feel better? Say, 'Actually Stacey, I AM ready to commit to you right now, forever. Let's get married for real, and invite your entire family and make a nice big day of it.' Is that even what I want?
I guess I want reassurances that I am making the right decision, that I won't regret it. But can he even give that to me? Can anyone?
Instead we had the same old recycled conversation about commitment that we've had a million times. And with the same result - me crying, with no resolution. I think he was even close to tears, frightened that I was about to come to some awful conclusion and break it off with him entirely. I just sighed and apologized for waking him up, and wished him luck on a big presentation he's got today. I felt like shit for putting him through all that when he has other things to worry about. But then again, I've been tormented for days.
That's another thing. My sister threatened to call him up and give him a piece of her mind, confront and challenge him and make him explain himself. And rather than beg her not to, I was kind of curious to see what would happen. I thought it might serve him right, give him a taste of my sister's wrath so he understands what he's put me through. Isn't that awful???
When I told him he was now my sister's biggest enemy, he didn't seem that bothered. That also upset me. I don't want the most important people in my life to hate each other like this. Argh.
To be fair, it's hard to accurately assess his reactions through a phone line. we've always communicated best in person. But still...
Later I logged back online, trying to idly fill the hours during which I would otherwise be working, wishing I could call Kate and talk to her, when lo and behold, she appeared on instant messenger! Wow! I couldn't believe my luck! I messaged her immediately, barely catching her before she logged off again, ready for bed. She couldn't talk for long, she said, as she was completely knackered. And the advice she had wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. She said I should go with my heart/instinct, then asked if I was feeling big angsty painful pangs of longing for Richard now that we're apart. I admitted that I didn't, and she said that sounded like a bad sign, confirming my worst suspicions. I told her I missed having someone who cared for me so deeply, and that I felt lost and lonely here. She said that wasn't good enough, and that she often felt that way after splitting with her first biggie boyfriend, causing her to get back together with him a few times and ultimately regret it. It made me wonder if maybe I was being naive again, assuming Richard's the One for me when I haven't had any others. Maybe I just like what he represents.
So I've been trying to have a good long objective think. All my feminist training urges me to stop relying on a man, especially one who is making me sacrifice so much without offering any security in return. Then I think that I can't imagine fitting so perfectly with another person. He completes me, really and truly. Isn't that enough?
The waters are also muddied when I consider my alternatives, which are none too enticing. I can't stand the thought of staying here and starting all over again. Is that influencing my decision? Probably.
All these doubts can't be good. All these obstacles are getting out of control. If it's meant to be, it shouldn't be this much work, should it? Then again, all real relationships require work. ARGH!
I wish I could just be one of those carefree individuals who have no qualms about getting married for fun, or legal purposes. I wish I didn't care so much what my family thinks. And I'm sorry you have to read this drivel, over and over again. I feel like a broken record, one you no doubt want to take off the player and smash against the wall already.
I also know that no amount of advice will help, as it's my decision to make in the end. Part of me wishes that Richard would swoop in and fix everything, but that's not realistic, nor probably even possible.
I just had to answer the door and appear before the postman in my hideous pyjamas. How embarassing.
