crisco
Yesterday was my sister's 26th birthday, and as a present, my mother emptied out one of her old Lancome jars and filled it with vegetable shortening, thinking her youngest and dearest daughter wouldn't know the difference, and be amazed at the results.
She totally underestimated my sister.
The girl opened the jar, took one look at it and raised an eyebrow. I was doing an admirable job of not falling to pieces, but in the end my composure didn't make a difference. My mother was giggling, but my sister thought it was because we were insulting her solitary forehead wrinkle - with which she is horrified and obsessed.
She sniffed, she touched, she guessed right away that this was not your typical beauty cream.
"Did you just give me fat for my birthday?"
I, on the other hand, made such an effort this year. Not only did I KNIT A HORRIFIC NEON PINK SCARF, which took bloody ages because I only had tiny needles, I also spent two hours buying, arranging and delivering flowers to her at work.
Okay, so I shouldn't brag, because basically this effort was required because I'm a cheapskate. I had every intention of buying her flowers from an actual florist, and having said florist deliver them. I was even prepared to spend up to $30 on a nice bouquet. But then I realised they were all charging $10-$15 for delivery on top of that, and decided against such bouquets on principle. I could go to the local supermarket, buy a perfectly good bouquet there, and deliver it myself for a fraction of the cost, right?
Right.
Right.
So I go to my local supermarket, and the selection is appalling. First of all, 90% of the bouquets are for Valentines Day, which is no shocker as it's the day after, but they weren't even discounted! The rest were in sad shape, all wilted and/or ugly. Shit. They had some nice loose flowers, and pretty inexpensive at that, so I decided to buy three bundles of some exotic breeds and put them together myself.
But then I needed a vase. Couldn't exactly show up at her workplace with a hastily arranged long-stemmed bouquet, could I? But where to get a vase.. why, how about the local neighbourhood dollar store! Oh yes. Nothing spared for my darling little sister! So I drove halfway across town to the dollar store, only to discover they had no vases as such. So I had to improvise. With a plastic straw dispenser canister. Mmmm. Classy me. I bought some scissors as well, and some candles while I was at it. Stopped by the liquor store next door on the way back to the car, to pick up a nice $8 Pinot - I am on a cheapskate roll. Once in the car, I set about clipping stems and arranging flowers and all around making a huge mess. At first I fear the homemade bouquet is looking pretty shabby, then I inspect the finished product and think it might pass as professional. But it's missing a bit of... flair. I need a ribbon or somehting to decorate the shitty faux vase.
So I go back inside the dollar store and find some ribbon, and go to the register where some charmer in a wheelchair is chatting about how sweet he was to his mother during the recent sad holiday. Meanwhile, my mother calls, wondering where the hell I am, as I was supposed to be home an hour ago with her car, and I'm trying not to admit what I'm up to, as I'm too embarassed to have even my mother know how low I have stooped to save some money. At this point the guy in the wheelchair rolls around to wink at me and proceeds to flirt. Oh dear.
Eventually, I get back to the car, finish up the floral masterpiece, and head off to find my sister's office. I do, amazingly enough, stopping briefly at a corner shop to buy a bottle of water to fill the vase, as I realised it looked ridiculous dry. I entered her office, left the flowers at the front desk, and ran out as they called her to pick them up. Mission accomplished.
I'm barely five minutes away before the phone rings.
"Did you send me flowers? Did you make them yourself or something?"
Argh!
Ah well. I think she appreciated the sentiment at least. Yeah. And my mom got a good laugh out of it. That's what I'm here for after all, the amusement of others.
I also went to the college bookstore where I used to work, to visit one of my former colleagues, the one who isn't psycho. I was expecting to be there for an hour, but didn't escape until two. She spent most of the time recounting the latest psycho antics of the crazy co worker, and the rest of the time describing her wedding arrangements. I barely got a word in edgewise. Hard to believe, I know.
On the way back to my car, some big black guy tried to chat me up. Ha! Dude, was it what I was wearing or something? If so, I should wear it more often. Go figure!
I also got my sister a relationship book. Poor girl is having a hard time of it. She tries, and she tries, and she keeps ending up with losers. Or alone. On Sunday she even attended a singles wine tasting. As one would suspect, most of the men were over the age of 40, and it was pretty painful. But apparently there was a cute bartender, and she spent most of the time flirting with him. Reach for the stars, honey.
Omigoodness my momma just bought me a food processor/blender for my birthday! Yay! I'm so excited! Just think of all the amazing soups I'll be able to make now! Woo hoo!
I'm going to be gone for the rest of the week, due to my bustling last-minute social calendar. Heading to Northampton tonight to see Michelle, then speaking at my alma mater tomorrow about journalism ethics (ha!) then lunching with former work colleagues, then heading to Boston for a night of dancing with a former flatmate, then lunching with a former classmate, then fondue party with Emilie and Sandy and bunch of their friends. Phew! I'm a gonna be busy! By the time I get back it'll be Sunday, and my LAST DAY in this godforesaken country! There'll be the obligatory visit to evil grandma, and the last supper with the fam, and packing and... hopefully my computer will have arrived, so I'll have to do all sorts of file transfers and software stealing and such. Shite! I'm cutting it close! Hopefully it'll arrive today so I can get started on that... hmmm...
Who knows, next time I write, it might be from Glasgow! One can only hope...
Toodles!
