complicated

HA! Not quite. The exact opposite, in fact. Life is so cruel sometimes.

It was actually a pretty good weekend. Didn't cry until the very very end, at the train station. Wow!

Left work early on Thursday, which was a bit awkward because I got a big story around lunchtime and wasn't entirely done with it by 3pm. I wrote most of it, but was just waiting for a comment from a supermarket spokesperson, one who is notoriously bad at getting back to you in time. So I sent the story over to my editors early, minus the comment, and left Tommy with the task of tracking one down for me. Bless him.

Brought my notes with me and left my phone on just in case there were any questions, but never got a call. Phew. Turns out, there was a problem and an email was sent to everyone in the office on Friday reprimanding us for not telling one of the editors I was leaving early and such shite. And it WAS shite, since I phoned an hour before leaving specifically to suggest they read my story early because I was leaving soon. He claims to have phoned my mobile, but that it was off, which is also bullocks because it wasn't off, and there were no missed calls or messages...

Anyway, I don't really care much. Fire me if you want..please! Which led to a discussion today about what it would take for them to fire one of us. A lot, I think. They're so desperate for reporters, and lose so many of them. Mind, I won't use it as an excuse to misbehave. Not me. I'm an angel.

Right.

On Friday, Richard and I went clothes shopping together. Whoa. I was a bit excited about it, enough to momentarily forget how awful and depressing clothes shopping has become lately. Was quickly reminded, however, when I couldn't find a pair of jeans that fit anywhere. Grrr. Plus, Richard stopped enjoying himself after all of about five minutes. The only thing that got him through it was the promise of food and drinks at one of our old favourite watering holes at the end.

I wanted to go back to the place because it reminded me of the good old days, when we first met. Kate and I would hang out there just to have an excuse to invite Richard along. It was the site of Sunday quiz night too. Great atmosphere, but really out of the way. Which is perhaps why we hadn't been there for ages.

So we trekked across the city with all our shopping bags and got to the bar and... ran into Ally and Rich and Rich's new girl. How random is that? Apparently they had been thinking about how they hadn't been there in ages themselves.

We sat with them and had a sociable chat and drinks and dinner and then they left and we lingered over more drinks until I was tipsy and silly all the way home.

The giddiness wore off when we got there, however. My neck started bothering me and when I lay down to try to sort it out I started to doze off. How rock and roll is that eh? In bed on a Friday night before 11. Hmph.

I made up for it the following night, however. After hanging out with Alison at her new flat during the day, we headed to Winchester Club. To tell the truth, I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit through three mediocre bands, and started downing whisky and cokes straight away. Perhaps they helped. That, and the bad fashion that seemed to abound. Gave me a talking point and made me inadvertently sociable. By the end of the night, I was dancing away and having a reasonably good time. We stayed till the bitter end, and didn't get to bed till four.

I also did my bit as Easter bunny, and hid some chocolate eggs -as well as some bigger treats - before bed, giving Richard a nice surprise in the morning. Aw he was so excited, it was precious.

Later, we went to the cinema to see the latest Simon Pegg flick. So fantastic! Just like Spaced. Yay! Afterwards, we got dinner and drinks at the nearby cheap pub. Then it was time to say goodbye again. The horrid ritual. Made even more horrid by bickering about stupid shit.

Like my friend's impending holiday. Can I bitch? It's been so stupidly stressful planning this little visit. And the car thing has been the worst bit. Failing the test made it complicated enough, then there was convincing her to drive it...now, it's the logistics of getting the car to Glasgow for her to drive back. I assumed, wrongly, that Richard could just drive it down the next time he comes to visit me, which I assumed, also wrongly, would be next weekend, as is our routine. Nope. He's too busy spending every second studying for his impending exams. None to spare for me. No visits until end of May.

I know I should be all kind and understanding about this. But I'm selfish and spoiled, and the idea that he couldn't spend one day here... I dunno. I think I resent him for forcing me into this horrible situation I find myself in, having to chose between being happy in a job/location and being with him, and then not even being available to help me through it. Of course, this is exactly what he predicted would happen. Grrr. It's such a no win situation! I feel like I need to decide somehow between the two extremes, but there's nothing to chose from anyway. So far there's no option that would involve being with Richard in the way I want, although I'm trying to change that. (Though considering I just got a rejection letter from the first job application, this isn't going very well either.) And there's no option that allows me to get a better job either, unless you count giving it all up and moving back to America to start from scratch, which I'd rather not even consider.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the car argument. He finally agreed to come up and immediately drive it down with me. By immediately I assumed he meant he'd come on a Friday night, stay over, and we'd leave on Saturday morning. Nope. Even that is too much time wasted. He'd come on a Saturday, I'd meet him at the station, and we'd immediately set off. That's just crazy, spending 5 hours on a train, just to jump in a car and spend 4 hours going back. Ridiculous. I refused. We argued.... I cried. Yeah, it's really stupid.

I had the worst journey home too. So long. LONG. The train was packed, and although I managed to secure a seat by myself, it was right across from the most annoying girl ever who hummed the same tune a million times and shouted embarassing stories about her brother and... I didn't even have a trashy magazine to read, just two serious books, both of which I finished. So I spent most of the time staring out into the darkness, sulking. Not healthy.

After all that, I came home past my bedtime, but couldn't crawl into bed until I talked to my entire extended family, who were gathered at my house for Easter supper. I even had to talk to Evil Grandma! Frightening.

She asked if Richard and I are getting married. I nearly laughed out loud. How could I explain to her... I can't explain it to myself.

It's a bit sad, but I used to just assume that we'd live together happily ever after. I no longer do. I don't take for granted the fact that we'll be together much longer. Perhaps this a good thing, but it makes me very sad. The blind hope and trust and enthusiasm in the relationship is gone. Maybe that's what's happen when things are so stressed. We forget to return to the basics. I thing Richard sensed this at one point; he frantically tried to reassure me that he loved me, that he wouldn't be the same without me, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. I don't know why it took me off guard. Maybe I was expecting him to dump me. It certainly would make things less complicated.

I dunno. Everything is so jumbled. I hate it. Is this what real life is like? Is this what I have to look forward to, forever? I just want things to be simpler. Though I fear I would lose everything that's important to me in the process. Time to assess what's important, eh?