bells

Aww. It's not as romantic as all that. There were no knees bent or anything. No ring. No build-up. It was more like a frantic plea from teary glazed-over eyes. A suggestion, a solution.

It still means something though. For this boy to offer such a thing, even if it is just in desperation, as a solution, is a huge deal, and proves how much he really loves me and can't stand the thought of being without me.

It would be a quick thing. Just to be legal. The real thing might come a few years down the road. I don't even know if there'd be rings or anything. I suspect not.

Here's what happened: When Richard finally came home after I had sat alone for eight hours torturing myself with the knowledge that I had to go, I broke the news and he took it really hard. Then he excused himself, went in the kitchen, closed the door, and called his mother. See, both of his older sisters got involved in marriages that ended badly, and his brother married a girl in New Zealand just to stop himself from being deported, without even telling the family. It broke his mother's heart, and Richard didn't want to do that to her again. So he asked her permission before even discussing the matter with me. She was completely understanding, and supportive, as was his dad. Bless them!

So then he rushed back in and made the proposal. At first I told him not to be crazy. Then I told him I'd consider it. That I'd go home for a few months and work to save some money and then maybe...

Everyone I've spoken to since completely supports the idea. They can't understand how I could have any reservations. But I did. Do. I dunno. I think I've pretty much decided to go ahead with it. But still... it's not as straight-forward as all that. Call me old fashioned but I still have this nagging belief that marriage is for life, and I want to make sure it's a commitment I'm willing to stick to, even though for the moment it's just a rush job. Even approaching it from a purely practical point of view, it's logical to weigh the risks and benefits. I've made a lot of sacrifices already for this relationship. This would be another big one, and involves not only me but my entire family. I am committing myself not only to a person, but to a life in the UK and all that entails. Sure, I was pretty willing to commit myself to this already when searching for a job in order to stay, but this would be a bit more binding. I have to consider the likelihood that I will in fact stay with Richard for a long time, if not forever. He finds it a bit easier to differentiate between this and 'real' marriage. Maybe that's because he doesn't have to change much. Not to belittle the commitment he's making, but really... it is easier for him.

This fact really bothered my sister when I told her. She's upset because she thinks she'll be losing me forever. Also because she doesn't get on swimmingly with Richard. He's too quiet, she says, doesn't make enough of an effort with her. As far as she is concerned, he should be the one moving to America to be with me. Or, he should at least be willing to promise to do so in the future.

It's all very stressful, especially the family bit. I was terrified of telling my family. My parents are staunch Catholics. My dad goes to church every morning. I figured they'd freak out if I even suggested not getting married in a church. Nevermind the fact that they've been trying to get me to move back home ever since I boarded a plane three years ago.

I was literally shaking when I finally dialled my home number. My mother answered. She was on the sailboat for the weekend. My dad was on the way in his car. I considered waiting until Sunday, but couldn't bear it. So I told her, and she took it surprisingly well. Even congratulated me. When I hung up I was worried I might have given her the wrong impression. Maybe she didn't get the fact that it's a quickie legal thing just for the sake of staying here. This was Richard's biggest fear too.

So I called my sister and told her, and made it very clear to her, and asked her to talk to my mom about it and make sure she understood. I talked to my sister again today, and she assured me that my mom understands, and will support me as long as I know it's what I definitely want to do. And they still expect that it is a marriage for life thing, so they want me to be certain he's the one, etc etc. We have a nice long chat scheduled for tomorrow night. Joy.

As for the logistics of it all.. nightmare. As has been everything else official that I have ever tried to do since moving here, actually, so no surprise there. From what we can gather, we have three options as to how we do it, and it's hard to tell which is best. All three involve me going home for at least a little while, for the holidays mainly. I'll summarise as much as possible.

The first involves getting married here, now. Benefit: simplifies things a bit when it comes to applying for the subsequent £155 visa to live and work here for up to two years (after which I have to apply for another one, at £155, before finally being able to apply for citizenship in three years). Drawback: due to my already precarious immigration status, I might get denied for said visa when I do apply.

Option two involves flying home, applying for an insanely expensive (£260) and complcated fiancee visa which simply allows me in the country for six months with no work, only to then apply for the £155 visa mentioned in option one. The obvious drawback to this is the added expense. Plus, the fiancee visa application is a bitch; we must include extensive financial documents from the past three months to prove I can live here for up to six months without getting a job or claiming benefits. Since we are both poor, we would also likely need a letter from Richard's parents promising to bail me out if worse came to worse. Then there are the letters from Richard's university, and his landlord, and his passport, and mine, and our birth certificates and and and and and you get the picture.

The third option is looking more and more desirable. But might be the toughest to organise. I would fly home, have Richard come to visit, get married in the States, then go to New York together to apply for the £155 visa in person. Chances are it would be issued the very same day, with a lot less hassle. Woo! Plus, my family would be able to be there without making a fuss, which might smooth things over on that front. Drawback is, the money we would save on the fiancee visa would be spent on his airfare. And we would have to apply for a marriage licence, get married, get the marriage certificate, and get to NYC within a matter of days, and I'm not sure they can produce a marriage certificate that quickly.

More research is definitely required. In the meantime, I'm hesitant to book my flight until I have some vague idea of which option we're going for, as it will dictate when I should return. Initially I was going to give it until April to allow myself time to work and save some money. But with the exchange rate the way it is, I'd be better off getting back here sooner to work, especially if I could get the £155 visa sorted before even leaving the States.

I just don't know. It doesn't help that I'm the most indecisive person in the world.

Tonight we went out for drinks and told a few friends about it. They were very excited, and for the first time we started to get excited too. We've been too busy being stressed and terrified to remember it's a good thing. And I think Richard gets scared when it threatens to turn into a big affair. He wants it quick, easy and low-key. I'm afraid my parents will be expecting a bit more than that, and the compromise will be difficult.

Once we've done the deed, I think it'll be much easier. I don't think too much will change here. But it's getting to that point that will be difficult.