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Of course it couldn't be simple. Of course. I was right to suspect that things were going too well with my parents. Now it's all come crashing down.

And if only that was the only problem... all this tension is really taking its toll on me. I've cried more in the past 48 hours than I have in months, and that's saying a lot considering my emotional state hasn't exactly been stable this year.

Where to begin? Richard keeps freaking out, afraid that the whole thing is turning into more than it should be. As far as he is concerned, this is strictly legal. No strings attached. He wants in and out of the registrar's office with two witnesses in 15 minutes on a Saturday morning (so he doesn't have to take a day off and explain the reason why). No rings, no new frocks, no party afterwards. Nothing.

Problem is, there are so many strings attached on my end, and I feel like a puppet being pulled in every direction. I'm happy with having a simple, no frills ceremony. I'm happy with our relationship continuing on as it is now afterwards. But I can't pretend that it's not a big deal. And my family cannot accept that the marriage will not be in some way real. They realise it's a bit of a shotgun wedding in order for me to stay in the country. But they fully expect that I'm doing it because I want to spend the rest of my life with Richard, and that the same is true for him. Only problem is, he won't commit to that. And if I even try to explain that to them, they'll hate him - and in some small way, me, for accepting that. I suspect they are already against him for stealing me away and forcing me to make such a drastic decision, all the while sitting comfortably, not making any sacrifices himself.

Yesterday there were two teary talks between Richard and I, during which he reminded me for only the millionth time that it would not be a real marriage etc etc. I feel like he's trying to quash any hope I have of ever marrying him for real. So I analysed the situation logically, with the help of Alison. I took real wedding in three or four years time out of the equation. I even factored in the possibility that we'll break up by then. Would it still be worth it? Well, if I stick around for three years I would at least have dual citizenship, allowing me to settle anywhere in the UK or Europe, with or without Richard in tow. That would be handy. I also tried to objectively consider my alternatives. If I don't do this, I will have to move back to America, where I will live at home. I will be broke. I will be miserable. I doubt long distance would work, at least not for the three years it takes Richard to finish his phd, so realistically speaking, I'd have no boyfriend either. My career is also at a standstill. I have no idea what I'd do for work. I would be starting from scratch, with no direction. My only motivation would be to get the hell out of my parent's house, but even that would take ages. To make matters worse, I would resent my family for ruining what very well could have been my one big relationship. This could turn into years of unhappiness.

I think I'd rather have at least a few more years of happiness here. There are no guarentees on anything in life. For all I know, I could be dead in two years time. So yeah... I guess I decided that I wanted to go through with it knowing full well it might not be forever. I told Richard this, and it seemed to smooth things over. Until I talked to my parents again last night.

I took the call in the kitchen, while Richard studied in the living room, but he overheard most of it, and what he heard troubled him and led to another awful exchange. In retrospect, he was right. I was probably misleading them, allowing them to hold on to their little fantasy that this would be somewhat real. The love is real, which is what complicates things.

First they asked why they couldn't come to the wedding. I told him it was because it was just a simple no big deal thing. That we'd probably have a real wedding in a few years, church and all, and that's the one I'd want everyone to come to. Besides, with the ceremony we were looking at, only four people are allowed in the room. That seemed to satisfy them. Then my dad asked if I was certain this was what I wanted. Yes. "You're not just doing it to stay in the country are you?" This is where I should have said "Yes." Instead, I said, "I'm doing it because I love Richard and want to stay with him." Which is, of course, the truth. But could easily be misconstrued so that he believes it will be a real marriage.

This was all verified a few minutes ago, when I got an email from my sister, begging me to reconsider arrangements. She said my mother was just putting on a brave face, and that really she was very upset about the whole thing. She apparently phoned my sister in tears, asking her to promise she would never move away and leave her like I have. My sister went over to the house and had a long talk with both of them. Apparently they don't believe I will ever have a real wedding, and that they will miss out on the chance to share my big day. All they're asking for is a simple ceremony and small reception at home. They'd even pay for it, and, my sister points out, I might get some presents as well. For fuckssake. How can I possibly explain that this is not meant to be my big day? That we're not going to be considering ourselves husband and wife? They won't accept it. If I haven't already broken my mother's heart, it certainly will be broken then. She's promised not to go crazy, as her own mother did when she announced she was marrying my father, but I will know nonetheless how much I've upset her, and can I live with that? On the other hand, if I call the whole thing off because of this, then I'll just resent them for it and surely that will not help the fragile family situation. It's ridiculous. This shouldn't be the central issue. But of course it's got to be a consideration. Family is not the most important thing in my life, but I can't just dismiss it. I would hate to think I'd done irreperable damage, only to have the relationship go pear-shaped at some point. Can you imagine sacrificing family for a boy? When I think of it like that, I feel silly for even considering it. Then again, I don't think this is just some boy. But how can I be sure? How is anyone sure when they agree to marry someone that they are the one? It's mind boggling.

What infuriates me even more is what my sister continued to say in her email. She painted herself as the martyr daughter with the enormous burden to bear, staying home to take care of the parents I so cruelly abandoned when I decided to leave on my foreign adventures. To quote: "How is it fair that you get to go off live your life and I'm stuck in RI the rest of my life. I probably won't move because I would think about leaving Mommy and how upset she'd be. You should consider yourself very lucky that you can go off and do what you want while I'm here. Granted I don't envy the situation you're in at the moment, but at least you've had a chance to take some risks. What have I done? I'll never get to experience what you have."

Argh! This is all very rich from the girl whose entire focus in life is finding a husband. She of all people should understand why I'm so desperate to keep the man I've found. But no, she just blames me for her own restlessness and unhappiness. And soon she'll be blaming Richard as well.

I don't know what my options are anymore. I haven't told Richard the latest, but I'm sure he'll just freak out even more. I'm tempted to call my mother and lay it all out on the table. Mom, what do you suggest I do? Stay here and have some shot at happiness, even if it means taking the risk that I'll be involved in a fake marriage that doesn't last forever? Or come home and be miserable and despise you? I don't know if I have the guts. But then again, I might not have a choice. Either way, feelings get hurt. Either way, I will be stuck in their house for four months at the very least, so there's no avoiding some sort of confrontation. We don't do confrontation in my family.