weakened

What a weekend. It was at turns wonderful and horrible. There were all sorts of geeky photo activities planned via the flickr meet-up group, including a trip to a Tartan Day fun fair involving historical re-enactment! Cheesy, yes, but photo opps aplenty! Woo! But it was on the south side, in a location hard to reach by public transport. One of the flickr guys offered to drive me there, but I had never met him before and was a bit wary of hopping in a car with a strange man, especially based on some of the strange men I had met via this group in the past. I tried to entice Sarah along, but alas, she had other plans. And Richard wasn't too sold on the whole idea either. He didn't want to see me going alone, but then also didn't fancy tagging along - do you blame him?

I suggested we take our own photo safari, and somehow we settled on Mugdock Country Park, which was equally difficult to reach by public transport, but more appealing. The forecast was for snow and sleet and all sorts of yuckiness, but the sun was shining and the skies were gloriously blue, so we set out excitedly to Milngavie by bus and started to hike to the park. It all looked a bit daunting on the map, but in reality it was totally manageable and even pleasant. We took a tiny diversion along the way when we spotted a host of huge yellow flowers carpeting the woods along a stream. It was an amazing sight, one neither of us had ever seen! The flowers were like giant yellow plastic lilies or something. I took a million photos, but none truly captured the magic of the scene.

We decided to stop for lunch, then continued alongside lovely old houses and a big reservoir to the park entrance. Once there, we picked a path and started exploring. It was a very roundabout route to the ruins of Mugdock Castle and the visitors centre, but it was so worth it! The landscape completely changed at nearly every turn. The trail wound through bleak rolling moors, emptied onto a hillside with spectacular panoramic views, dipped under the cover of a fantastic forest canopy, turned to planked bridge as it wove through a marsh, then became stone steps as it climbed through another wooded wonderland. Meanwhile, the weather continued to cooperate with sunshine and a soft breeze. It was seriously the most ideal conditions for a walk and we were both giddy with excitement, especially me with all my camera gear.

The clouds began to gather just as we reached the visitor centre, so we ducked inside for a much-needed rest and cup of tea. Glorious! The sun peeked back out as we set off again, this time for home as I was beginning to fade. And then it hailed. Ha! Well, all good things cannot last forever eh? It was totally manageable and even a wee bit fun, and didn't last too long. When we finally dragged ourselves back into town, we went to a pub to have a warm meal. Mmmm. When we got home, I curled up on the sofa with a cup of cocoa and a cheesy movie and had a totally relaxing evening. Heaven!

Sunday, however, was not so nice. In a fit of leftover enthusiasm or something, I decided to whip up some muffins. I found a recipe for some healthy banana honey ones, and set about making them while Richard readied his computer to watch the latest Battlestar Gallactica. Perfect recipe for a relaxing Sunday morning, non? Non :(

The muffins ended up tasting awful. I added a tiny bit of butter to try to improve it, but it didn't help. Meanwhile, Richard's mood seemed to change. I kept asking what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. I jokingly asked if it was because I ate two muffins, and he said 'Well, more because you added butter to one of them. I know how hard you've been working to try to lose weight and...' WTF!?!

I haven't really gone into this here, but I've been on a huge health kick lately. I joined a gym and even tried a crazy gluten-free, lactose-free diet to see if I have a food intolerance. The diet was a bit inconclusive, so I've returned to a normal diet and have booked myself in for a test next week. It's been so horribly frustrating, because despite all this effort, I've lost next to nothing.

I can understand Richard's concern. He's seen me in tears many times, after a weigh-in or clothes shopping trip or particularly difficult day. He hates to see me so unhappy, and also unable to help. He does anything he can to support me, whether it be buying me loads of fun fruit or taking away temptation, or accompanying me on outdoor expeditions.

But it still hurt. My first instinct was to go on the defence. First of all, I could have made any number of yummy delicious muffin recipes, but I opted for the healthiest variety. Second of all, it was a seriously small dab of special dairy-free omega fortified margarine. One slice of toast would have been slathered with about five times as much!

But deep down I also knew he was right. I had failed. I shouldn't have eaten the muffins. Nor the pub chips the previous day... and all that sugar in my tea... and Coke... and... despite the epic hike the day before, I had only been to the gym once during the week. My resolve was falling apart, and soon all the hard work will have been for nothing as in two days of bad choices and weakness I would probably undo any good I had struggled to do.

The thought sent me into another fit of misery and self-loathing. I didn't say anything to Richard, just went to bed and cried. Which was terrible for him, and I felt terrible for him as he tried to comfort me and apologised a million times for saying anything. But I also felt terrible for myself, and was unable to stop, despite my best efforts. Eventually, I retreated to the shower to let it all out and calm myself down.

I did emerge much calmer, but my mood wasn't much improved. In fact, it remained rotten all day. I had to go to work, but was definitely not in the mood to hear J trill on about her weekend or other related nonsense. So I just sulked and stayed silent and ignored everyone as much as possible. And it actually worked. I managed to get away (early, thank goodness) without discussing my weekend with anyone. And when I returned, I just curled up in bed with a book (a mystery set in Chernobyl's dead zone - cheery!) and tried not to linger too long in my own head.

Luckily, I awoke to a new day, and a fresh start. I assured Richard I was fine, and arranged to meet Sarah for lunch at our favourite posh cafe. I even had time to wander around town and do a bit of shopping before work, and by the time I got there, I was in high spirits again. I also decided to buy some nice whisky and a card for Richard to celebrate the completion of his PhD. I was let out of work ridiculously early - after only 3.5hours1 - so got home in time to make a surprise supper before he got home. It was so lovely! So things are back to normal. And today I go back to the gym. Mmmm.